Confession

Here's my confession: I've had this life-long fear of drawing in places where people might be looking over my shoulder. Recently, this fear made it's way to the front of my mind as God has been mudging me towards more "daring" art. The other night, I escaped my chaotic house and drove up to RIHOP for Paul's watch. I had kind of planned to try out sketching during the watch instead of my usual guitar/singing role. I made it as far as the door at RIHOP with supplies in hand before the fear of exposure swept over me. That's totally how it works right? I think almost ever time I feel the Lord nudging me out of my comfort bubble, a familiar color of fear seeps in to the picture. To me, creating is often such a gut-renching vulnerable state that I feel like every bystander can casually gaze right into my soul. The funny thing is that my skills these days are so rusty that I often see my six year old, head cocked to one side, innocently staring at one of my drawings followed by the question, "What is that?". I have to laugh at how dramatic the act making art can sound when I write this out! It seems so ridiculous to feel so naked when many people will probably see something totally unrelated when viewing my work.
So...back to the story about the prayer watch...I decided to bring along my guitar you know just in case (I chicken out). Well, once inside, I do in fact take the easy way out. As I'm playing, I find myself lost in the bold details of the drums behind me and enchanted in the mysterious melody of the flute. I close my eyes and I can see dancers all around me. With eaching arching movement, their hands are painting color in the air. I feel like I am actually seeing the music. The visions are right under my eyelids and I don't want to open my eyes lest they float right out. The colors they paint are like rich chocolate emotion- that's the only way I know to describe it. The dancers are painting truth and life all mixed up with gritty humanity. It's their language. It's beautiful and it flows in and out of my heart so effortlessly. I love it.
The I realize that this is why God wanted me to sketch. Yes, the music was fulfilling. It drew me into God's presence. But, what He had in mind for me was even greater.